this is a psalm of repentance from a Fall 2019 participant of Redemption Groups
O God, I’m finally crying out to you, can you hear me?
Feels like I’ve been hiding out for a long time, you see.
I’ve been building these walls for so many years,
Thinking they would block out all the pain and the tears.
My northern wall lacks transparency—it’s completely opaque.
Never lets them see what’s inside, I prefer to be fake.
As I was building the western wall, I kept digging and digging.
I buried all my feelings down so I would never have to feel anything.
When I built my southern wall, I called myself so many names.
By the time it was finished, I was sure everyone else felt the same.
My goal with the eastern wall was to avoid conflict at all cost,
Afraid that my inflated self-image might be tarnished or lost.
Four walls protecting me, I thought I had built something great.
Took one last look and realized, I never built a gate.
Next, I turned inwards and kept building like it would never be enough.
I thought I could find satisfaction in accomplishing a lot of stuff.
I created a garden where I could escape and find rest.
My very own Eden built by my hands would surely be best.
In the center of my paradise stands a temple taller than any tree.
It’s there that I worship and all the glory belongs to me.
Surrounded by all that I built, I stand here, defiant.
I’m alone and isolated. All is silent.
My pulse starts to quicken. Into the silence I want to shout.
God, where are you? Surely my walls didn’t keep you out?
Deep down I know you’re still where you were from the start.
You’re still knocking on the door of my heart.
I realize now, these walls I built have become my prison.
If I want to escape, the only way is to let you in.
No more hiding, pretending I don’t have any sin.
I undo all the deadbolts and invite you to come in.
I feel like I have to confess, I really don’t like to confess.
It makes me uncomfortable, trying to dig through my own mess.
Lately I’ve realized that relying on my own self-righteousness
Leaves me looking at me more, and looking at the cross less.
There’s some things I need to put in the grave and let die.
This sin has been keeping me from you, so let’s give this a try.
God, forgive me for centering all my life around me;
For worshiping myself and stealing away your glory.
Forgive me for trying to take care of my needs instead of seeking your face.
I’ve been running away and seeking my own resting place.
Forgive me for covering my eyes to avoid seeing my sin;
For building these walls to keep others out, and all this in.
It’s against you and you only that I have sinned.
And it’s only in you that these broken pieces will start to mend.
Remind me that you are my joy, refuge, and peace.
I don’t need anything else. All my striving can cease.
Help me to be honest about my brokenness with others and with you.
Lord, I don’t ever want my kids to think that Daddy’s not a sinner too.
Help me to escape outside of this protective bubble.
Please keep working in my Lord, until all these walls are rubble.
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