This is Natalie Shipman’s story of Suffering and Sanctification
While 2020 is making a memorable dent in everybody’s life, my “2020” was 2019. In June 2019 we were ecstatic to find out that we were expecting our fourth child. We were both shocked, but we felt the Lord had blessed us unexpectedly and Lucas and I both had an ignited desire for a fourth child. However, the excitement quickly turned to sadness 9 days later when we found out I was miscarrying our baby. We had never miscarried before but amongst our grief we felt great hope in the Gospel. That God was sovereign over our family. That He was in control. That our baby was in the arms of Jesus. Later in June I got a cold.
The cold persisted for months. I developed a cough and a fever and went to the doctor. I took a round of antibiotics and got a little better. The cough persisted, the fever came back, and I went to the doctor again and took another round of antibiotics and steroids. I got a little better. The month of August I continued to battle the cough but felt alright, until I didn’t. One day at the end of August, I went from feeling okay to really bad within a few hours. The following morning, I was admitted to the hospital for 4 days with bacterial pneumonia and then endured months of complications and breathing treatments to strengthen my lungs. During this time, I felt strongly that God was strengthening me through this suffering to show me my need of Him. The verse that came to mind was Romans 5:3-4, “...we also boast in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope.” I also felt that my miscarriage happened when it did because THIS trial was coming. God was good and he saved my baby from possible complications and suffering that could have arisen from all the medication I was having to take. Or He was good to save my life knowing I might not have consented to treatment for the sake of my baby. Regardless, His plan was perfect, and He was working out all things for His good.
September 2019, unexpectedly again, we were pregnant. When I got the positive result, I fell to my knees and thanked God. The first words out of my mouth were praise and thanksgiving! He was a good, good Father who knew the desires of my heart! He saw my suffering and was turning it to joy in the form of a baby! We went in early for blood work because of the previous miscarriage and everything looked perfect. All my hormones were right where they needed to be. My HCG (pregnancy hormone) was even high for how far along I was! We breathed a sigh of relief and told our kids the good news! That God had given us this beautiful gift. He was Good. He knew our hearts and desires and He loved us so much that he blessed us with new life!
At 9 weeks we went in for a sonogram to see the heartbeat! There wasn’t one.
I don’t remember much of what happened in the doctor’s office. I know my sweet doctor explained to Lucas and the kids what happened. My doctor cried. Max was crying. Lucas was crying. I held it together until we got in the car. I cried and then I was numb. That night 4 out of 5 of us got a stomach virus. A week later I miscarried.
Over the next few months, we had 2 more rounds of stomach virus, multiple rounds of strep throat, 2 different bouts of the flu. I cried a lot. I didn’t read my Bible and I most certainly did not speak to the Lord.
I was mad, furious with God. How could He do this to me? How could He allow not one, but TWO miscarriages within months? How could He allow us to be so sick, all the time? The worst part was that I had told multiple people about this redemptive story the Lord was working in our lives! The pneumonia, the miscarriage, the countless illnesses was all culminating in the sweetness of God and His gift to us. The pregnancy was going great, isn’t God good!!??
I was speaking to Kaylan Keeney and Codye Weaver about this one evening. It was the first time I vocalized my anger. Kaylan asked me if I had told God about it. I confessed that I hadn’t prayed since before that sonogram. That week I prayed for the first time and I screamed and cried to Jesus. I confessed my hurt – the betrayal I felt from Him.
In the next coming weeks, I began to read my Bible again. I read Psalm 13:3-4, “Consider me and answer, LORD my God. Restore brightness to my eyes; otherwise, I will sleep in death. My enemy will say, ‘I have triumphed over him,’ and my foes will rejoice because I am shaken.” Two phrases spoke to me in these verses. The first being “I am shaken.” The verse that has given me comfort in trials previously has been Psalm 16:8, “I always let the LORD guide me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” The second was “restore brightness” – meaning the hope and joy I had in Christ was there, but no longer was. I asked God to restore the brightness to my life and to remind me daily that He is with me and with Him I will not be shaken.
I’d be lying if I said I’m completely healed. My body is still broken, I’m currently amid more health issues. My heart is still grieved, I cry a lot over those two babies I lost. But God has shown me many things during these trials. He has grown me immeasurably. He IS sovereign over my life. He IS Lord over our family. He is the HEALER of my body. He does see me. He has shown me that I cannot rely on my own strength. God and God alone sustains me. Only He can restore the brightness in my eyes. And the anger I felt towards Him? It is forgiven. He loves me so unconditionally that He allowed these things to happen to me so that I could lean on His power and not my own. And I have hope in the Gospel! That Jesus came and died for me. That He died so my babies could live! That I know one day I will be embraced by my Loving Father and He will look at me and see the suffering and the hurt and the pain and the sadness and He will say NO MORE! I will get to hold my babies one day! Because His promises are as good as done! He is good. He is faithful. He is LORD. Amen!
Other stories of God’s work: