Tough & Tender: Notes on Fatherhood

Fatherhood Notes

These notes are taken from the Tough & Tender event on November 11, 2022.

1. How do I spiritually lead my children?

  • Read Psalm 78:1-8

  • Does my child see my dependence on God?

  • Does my child hear me praising God?

  • Does my child see my love for the church (God’s people)?

2. How do I encourage my children?

  • Am I discovering how God has uniquely gifted my child?

  • Am I looking for character in them that I can encourage?

  • Do I pray for them, out loud, in their presence?

  • Do I bless them often? Read: Numbers 6:24–26, Mark 10:15–16, Romans 16:20

3. How do I get to their hearts?

(Matt 15:11-30, Mark 7:17-23, Luke 6:43-46)

  • Behavior is the overflow of the heart!

Examples:

  • Fighting – love of self (attitude) and what is said and done (ungodly behavior)

  • Sharing – love of others and godly behavior

What doesn’t get at their hearts?

  • Threats (use fear to change)

  • Manipulation

  • Guilt

Five Questions from Paul Tripp:

  • What was going on? (situation)

  • What were you thinking and feeling as it happened? (heart/thoughts)

  • What did you do in response? (behavior)

  • Why did you do it? (motives)

  • What was the result? (consequences)

4. How do I discipline my children? (Ephesians 6:1-4)

Two lies: autonomy & self-sufficiency. If they believe these lies they will resist your authority.

Purpose of discipline:

  • Rescue & restoration

  • Not an expression of irritation, anger, impatience, etc.

  • Children need firm, loving authority and active discipline

Authority: 0-5 years old

Character: 6-12

Confession: admitting personal responsibility for my words and my behavior without excuse or shifting the blame.

Love your children by disciplining them! (Proverbs 13:14, 19:18, 22:15, 23:13-14)

Hebrews 12:7-11 – Endure suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline?…No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

How should I go about spanking my child?

  • Only in a situation of clear, direct rebellion to your authority

  • Pray for yourself, asking for God’s help. What’s in the way of good discipline? Parental anger.

  • Take them to a private place

  • Take them onto your lap, discuss the offense, make sure he understands

  • Pray for the child (preach the gospel)

  • Seek an acknowledgment/confession

  • Administer discipline (tell them how many, have something that spreads force)

  • Then take them into arms, love them, tell them discipline doesn’t separate relationships. Disobedience doesn’t change their value, but does include consequences. When I do foolish things bad things happen. Disobedience hurts.

How else do I discipline my children? Instruction, correction, entreaty, examples, rebuke. The exercise of loving authority is a grace!

5. How do I have talks with my kids about pornography and sex?

  • The physical differences between men and women

  • The special value God places on sexuality

  • God’s proper context for sexuality

  • The importance of modesty

  • A willingness to answer questions

Make it a meaningful time. This is a milestone to celebrate as you guide your child towards maturity!

6. Other Practical Advice

What if I’m not a father at the moment?

Good Stewardship – this includes our children, they are the Father’s.

  • Owners (control) vs stewardship (surrender). We are called to steward their hearts to the Father.

Presence – Babysitting (“do as I say” / laziness) vs Discipling (“follow me” / hard work)

Model – Lead them in these rhythms:

  • Disciplines :: Bible Intake, Prayer, Confession & Repentance, Church/Community

  • Gifts :: Serving – heart of joyful obedience vs Chores (earning favor)

7. Cohort Questions

1. How do you define success as a parent? Is that definition defined by the accomplishments & success in your kids life that you can control, or is it defined by surrendering to the Father and trusting Him for guidance?

2. What hinders you from pursuing your child’s heart? (lack of knowing your own heart, laziness, didn’t know what to do/ignorance)

3. First, are you and your wife on the same page on how to discipline your children? If not, talk with her. Second, How can you grow in lovingly disciplining your children?

4. What have you discussed with your children about sex thus far? What conversation do you need to have next? What are you doing to protect them from sexual sin and suffering?

5. How can you begin to model some of the things we’ve discussed this evening? Who will you tell in order to keep you accountable?