From Pursuing Peace: A Christian Guide to Handling Our Conflicts by Robert D. Jones
Step 3: Confess Your Sins to the Other Person, and Seek His Forgiveness
Having sought and received God’s vertical forgiveness through Jesus Christ, we must now approach the other person we have offended to seek horizontal forgiveness from him. What does a good confession look like? How do we offer an apology that makes a difference—an apology that reflects the depth and breadth of our sin and demonstrates to the other person both our remorse for hurting him and our desire to receive his forgiveness?
Among the many valuable resources developed by Ken Sande and Peacemaker Ministries is the “Seven A’s of Confession.”2 Each one reflects wisdom; together they form seven vital characteristics of an effective confession. In the following pages I will provide my own summary and application of each of Sande’s seven headings.
1. Address everyone involved. As we saw in chapter 5, the first person we must always address is God. The second person(s) must be the other party or parties we sinned against directly. But in some cases, after making things right with God and the person we offended, we should include others as a subsequent step. Like who? Here the old adage holds: The circle of confession must be as big as the circle of offense. In other words, if I sinned against one person, I need to seek forgiveness from one person. If I sinned against six people, I need to seek forgiveness from six people. If I sinned against two hundred people . . . And so on.
One category to consider is those who witnessed the offense. In one conflicted church my conciliation team met with a church leader who had sinned against his pastor several years before by unjustly calling him a heretic. Such a serious charge led to an immediate breach in their relationship. Thankfully, the church leader later repented. He met with the pastor and sought his forgiveness, and the two were reconciled. But that was not the whole story. The accusation was serious; what made it worse was that he made that charge in the presence of over a dozen other church leaders. Based on this first A, the church leader realized that it was not enough to gain the pastor’s forgiveness. So he sought out each fellow leader who had been present when he made his false charge. In some cases that meant personal phone calls or visits, even to those who had left the church or relocated. In each case he confessed his sin, reported that he had sought and received the pastor’s forgiveness, and sought and received their forgiveness as well.
Another category is those who suffer because of your sin. This might include the spouse or family members of the person you offended. If you sinned against your own spouse, then confessing to your children or even to your in-laws might be proper. If you are a leader—especially if your sin has resulted in termination, resignation, or public disgrace—then confessing to your entire organization, church, or company would often be proper, depending on the offense. Aside from making things right with these other individuals affected by your sin, such confession communicates to the other party that you value his reputation and that you are willing to go the extra mile to make things right in every way. It also models for the onlookers how followers of Jesus seek to handle their sins in humble ways.
At the same time, this truth has a corollary. While the circle of confession must be as big as the circle of offense, it must be no bigger. We must not broadcast to everyone confessions that should only be made to those we have specifically offended.
2. Avoid “if,” “but,” and “maybe.” Perhaps you have been the recipient of such an “if” confession from someone: “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” To which we are tempted to respond: “If? What do you mean ‘if you hurt me’? If? Don’t you know that you hurt me?” In fact, “if” confessions really say this: “I don’t know how I hurt you, and I really don’t care to know. And since I don’t know what I did, I will probably do it again. But if you are going to be so whiny and hypersensitive that we can’t go forward in our relationship until I say ‘I’m sorry,’ then, well, I’m sorry. Okay?” But true confessions allow no doubt or shade. You must take full responsibility for your own sin.
In a similar way, “but” confessions also fail to accept full responsibility. “I’m sorry I am late getting home from work,” a husband tells his wife, “but if you had called to remind me, I would have been here on time.” “I am sorry I yelled at you, son, but if you took the trash out when you were supposed to do so, I would not have.” The insertion of a “but” virtually negates the confession. It is like placing your cursor in the middle of the above sentences, highlighting the first half (the confessional part), and then hitting the delete key. “But” apologies shift blame; they declare that our failures are not fully our fault.
One step to help detect and expose the “if” and “but” components in our confessions is to write them out. When I coach someone in conflict who needs to make a confession, I typically teach him the truths of Matthew 7 above (and other passages), assign him to draft a plank list, and then meet with him to discuss his planks and to help him craft his confession. More than one draft is sometimes needed to eliminate any “if,” “but,” or similar contaminants.
3. Admit specifically. One of the best ways to increase the effectiveness of a sin confession is to be specific. Whatever sincerity drives it, an “I’m sorry, son, that I’ve been a lousy dad” confession remains weak. How have you failed as father? In what ways? People sin in the concrete, not the abstract. Not only does a specific confession show thoughtfulness, sincerity, and sorrow; it also sets a specific agenda for change. A careful study of Scripture will help us clarify the concrete ways we have sinned against the other person in word and action, by commission and omission. A good confession will admit that I have been a lousy dad because I have done or said A, B, and C and failed to do or say X, Y, and Z.
4. Acknowledge the hurt. This frequently overlooked fourth A carries powerful potential to reconcile relationships. Acknowledging the hurt means expressing sorrow for the way our sin has made life hard for the other person. How has our sin embarrassed, inconvenienced, tempted, injured, or provoked him?
True repentance always carries some sense of remorse. On some level I feel bad about what I have done. Concern for the offended party is in view. I am sorry for my sin not because I was caught and will face bad consequences but because of what it did to God and to the other person. If my only sorrow lies in the consequences of getting caught, I will simply seek to be more shrewd and sneaky the next time I want to sin. In true repentance I realize I have grieved God’s Spirit (Eph. 4:30) and hurt, offended, or embarrassed someone else.
As we saw previously, this does not mean that my sin somehow caused someone’s sinful reaction. People are not machines. I cannot take responsibility for the other person’s wrong response to me. Jesus was not responsible for his disciples’ doubts when they woke him during a severe storm and questioned whether he cared for them (Mark 4). Jesus was not responsible for Mary and Martha’s unbelief when they expressed their irritation that Jesus did not race to their brother’s deathbed and prevent him from dying (John 11). Though Jesus was sinless and we are not, our wrong actions do not cause other people to sin in return.
Nevertheless, our sins do genuinely affect people by hurting them, and a wise confession seeks to feel that hurt and convey that regret. What does a confession that acknowledges the hurt look like? Suppose my wife and I dine with another couple at a restaurant, and in the course of conversation I say something unkind about Lauren. On our way home God’s Spirit convicts me of my sin. There are two possible ways for me to apologize to her (after first quietly making things right with God):
Good Confession: “I’m sorry, Lauren, for what I said to our friends. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”
That’s a good confession, and as professor I would give it a B grade. But here’s a better one:
Better Confession: “I’m sorry, Lauren, for what I said to our friends. I was wrong. And I know I hurt you and embarrassed you in front of our friends. Will you please forgive me?”
That confession earns an A. Why? Because it acknowledges the impact that my sin had on the other person. The confession itself is an act of love designed to show my wife my care for her, not merely my desire to clear my own conscience. (Of course, in keeping with my above commitment to address everyone involved, I would also want to contact the other couple and confess this sin to them.) Or consider some more examples of confessions that acknowledge the hurt:
“I am sorry that I said those critical things about you in the church parking lot and cut you down in front of our friends; that must have hurt.”
“I got your phone message asking me to send you the report you wanted. I am sorry that I failed to send it to you and I left you without the support and information you needed for your meeting.”
“I am sorry that I lied to you. I know that is going to make it much harder for you to trust me next time.”
At the same time, when you seek to acknowledge the impact of your sin, realize that the other person might be reluctant to admit his hurts, for various reasons. How should you respond if the person replies to your confession with a simple, “Oh, it was nothing”? If your offense was not major, then you can say, “Thank you,” and move forward with the relationship. But in cases of more serious sin, or if the person might be minimizing your offense or hiding his hurt, it may be best to try to draw him out gently: “Well, I really appreciate your graciousness in calling it ‘nothing,’ but I really hurt you (or embarrassed you or inconvenienced you), and I want you to know that I am grieved by that.” Or, “Well, I appreciate your graciousness in calling it ‘nothing,’ but I know that if I were in your shoes, I might have trouble letting it go.” (At this point, you might even share how you have been sinned against in a similar way.) Whatever the method, inviting discussion shows the depth of your own repentance and may help the person address some unresolved feelings. Inviting and encouraging the person to talk about it—without pressuring or insisting—shows that you care for the one you have hurt.
5. Accept consequences. The biblical truth underlying this component of a godly confession is that we should bring forth fruit in keeping with our repentance. Let me suggest three categories of consequences.
First, our confession and repentance may require some form of restitution or justice. That might include financial reparations (Ex. 21:18–35; 22:1–15; Lev. 6:1–5; Num. 5:5–10; Deut. 22:8; Luke 19:8–9) or other forms of justice, especially for criminal actions. As Proverbs 19:19 observes,
A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again.
True repentance may require the repentant one to suffer the just consequences of his wrong choices. The repentant thief who hung on the cross next to Jesus still died. If I borrow your book and tear some pages, I should buy you a new copy. If I forget to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home from work, then I need to go out to the store to buy one.
Second, a godly confession might entail a loss of privileges or possessions. If I borrow your book and tear some pages, I may lose my borrowing privileges, even if I buy you a replacement. In the Luke 15 story of the welcoming father, the prodigal son humbled himself and offered to relinquish his sonship status: “I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men” (Luke 15:19). And in 2 Samuel 12, while King David received God’s forgiveness, the severity of his sin resulted in the death of his newborn son: “Then David said to Nathan, ‘I have sinned against the LORD.’ Nathan replied, ‘The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt, the son born to you will die’” (vv. 13–14).
Third, and most commonly, the other person may be slow or even unwilling to forgive us or to trust us. In other words, even if I sincerely repent, there is no guarantee that the person will forgive me or trust me. While he may choose to be merciful, we must relinquish any presumed right to be forgiven. Proverbs 18:19 reminds us,
An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city,
and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.
I infer from this that it would be easier for me to march downtown and take over the capital city of my state than to reconcile a relationship with someone I have offended. It would be easier for me to penetrate a barred fortress than to resolve conflicts with some individuals.
We see this dynamic sometimes in cases of adultery. A husband commits sexual infidelity. He sincerely repents and seeks his wife’s forgiveness. In some cases she decides not to forgive him. In other cases she grants him forgiveness, and they begin to rebuild their relationship. Occasionally, however, another dynamic emerges. The wife forgives. But one day, perhaps two months later, the husband comes home from work three hours late. She asks him—perhaps innocently and caringly, perhaps suspiciously and anxiously (after all, he has lied before)—a simple question: “Honey, where were you?” But instead of answering her question, he explodes with anger: “Why are you asking me that? I thought you forgave me! Don’t you trust me?” And the tensions mount.
What should this couple do? The husband needs to recognize that even though he has repented, one consequence of his betrayal is that his wife might struggle with doubts. Of course, depending on the motive behind her question, she might need to address any of her lingering fears or resentment. But the husband must deal biblically with his anger. Inquiries about his whereabouts are consequences he must patiently accept.
Why is it important that we accept the consequences? For one thing, it demonstrates our sincerity and shows the offended person that we are not asking for forgiveness merely to avoid consequences. By my willingness to accept consequences that are just, even painful, I show true contrition. In addition, it lessens the likelihood of our repeating the same sin. Recall Proverbs 19:19 above.
A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty;
if you rescue him, you will have to do it again.
Having to confess the same sin each time, and bearing the appropriate consequences, should deter us from repeating the same offense.
We need to insert one more qualification about accepting consequences: do not confuse punishment with consequences. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1). As Christians we must remember that God punished Jesus as the substitute for our sin.
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. (Rom. 8:32–34)
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree. . . . For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. (1 Pet. 2:24; 3:18)
Because of the cross God does not hold the believer’s sins against him. If God truly wanted to punish us, each of us would be condemned to hell, and Jesus would not have died.
6. Alter your behavior (or at least explain how you intend to do so). Accepting consequences reflects the passive side of showing the fruit of repentance. The active side involves developing, voicing, and carrying out a plan to change our behavior. Proverbs 28:13 sets the standard.
He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
Perhaps the change is simple and the alteration can be made immediately: a decision can be made or unmade today; a phone call or visit can be accomplished tonight; an activity can be stopped this moment. But perhaps it is complex and will require more time: patterns of anger, sexual lust, and sinful speech will require an ongoing plan for progressive sanctification.
And so the question we must ask, especially when addressing serious sins or patterns of sin, is twofold: Do we have a practical plan to avoid recurrence? And can we state it? I recommend a written plan to best allow careful thinking, ongoing editing, and sharing with accountability partners. The plan should address what, when, how, and with whom we will pursue changes. (For example: “The next time I am tempted to gossip, I will seek help from my wife and my pastor or small group leader.”) It must be practical. Think of a football team’s game plan or a nurse’s care plan for patients discharged from a hospital.
How does this increase the effectiveness of our confession? Like the previous A’s, it shows the depth of our sorrow and sincerity, it helps us make specific changes, and it invites the offended person, if he truly forgives, to become an ally and help us carry out our growth plan.
7. Ask for forgiveness, and allow time. This last component aims to bring closure to the repentance by encouraging the offender to respond to our confession. “I am sorry for what I did and for how I hurt you. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”
Asking does not mean demanding. Remember that the offended partner might be slow to forgive. We must rest in God’s decided, declared, and promised forgiveness, even if the other person does not forgive. We should desire his forgiveness; we must never require it.
The above becomes doubly important when the offense has been severe. A good rule of thumb is that the greater the sin, the more time we should allow. In fact, in some cases it might be premature to even ask for forgiveness. A better approach might be: “While I would like you to forgive me—I would greatly treasure that—I also know I hurt you very deeply, and I know it may be hard for you to forgive me after what I’ve done. I understand that this may be very difficult for you, and it may take time for you to get to that point. That’s okay. I understand.” (Remember that “an offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city”—Prov. 18:19.)
There are several hazards to avoid. For one thing, we can become self-righteous and judgmental: “I asked you to forgive me and now, according to the Bible, God says you must forgive me. If you refuse to forgive me, then you are a worse sinner than I am. So, do you forgive me?” So sinister is the power of our pride that even a godly act like confessing sin can become an occasion for further sin.
Another problem arises when definitions differ. It is easy for either party to assume he understands what forgiveness is. The repentant person might assume that the relationship is now completely restored, only to find that the person who voices forgiveness still remains distant. The repentant person might wonder whether his confession was sufficient or whether the forgiving person was sincere. In granting forgiveness, the forgiving person might not want a restored relationship. Therefore, it is often wise for the repenting person who receives forgiveness to seek clarification of what the forgiving person means:4 “Does this mean we can still be friends?” “Can we still work together?” “Will you be able to trust me?”
Finally, in allowing the other person time, we must not drop our concern or let go of the relationship. The time cannot be unlimited; time does not heal all wounds. A truce, cold war, and distance are not the relational shalom that Jesus Christ died and rose to purchase and cultivate in his people. Our goal must always be to please God by pursuing peace. As Romans 12:18 reminds us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” In our last chapter we will address what to do if the other party does not respond to our peacemaking efforts. Below are several initial steps briefly stated.