Tough & Tender: Notes on Fatherhood

These notes are taken from the Tough & Tender event on November 11, 2022.

1. How Do I Spiritually Lead My Children?

• Read Psalm 78:1-8
• Does my child see my dependence on God?
• Does my child hear me praising God?
• Does my child see my love for the church (God's people)?
• Am I regularly reading Scripture with my family?
• Do I confess sin and model repentance before my children?
• Am I praying consistently for and with my children?

• When was the last time my child saw me reading my Bible?
• When was the last time I initiated spiritual conversation with my child?
• How am I pointing my children to Jesus in daily life?

2. How Do I Encourage My Children?

• Am I discovering how God has uniquely gifted my child?
• Am I looking for character in them that I can encourage?
• Do I pray for them, out loud, in their presence?
• Do I bless them often? Read: Numbers 6:24–26, Mark 10:15–16, Romans 16:20
• Am I quick to praise effort, not just results?
• Do I affirm who they are, not just what they do?

• Write notes of encouragement
• Speak words of affirmation daily
• Celebrate their unique personality traits
• Point out when you see Christ-like character in them

3. How Do I Get To Their Hearts?

Behavior is the overflow of the heart! We must address the heart, not just modify behavior.

• Fighting → love of self (attitude) and what is said and done (ungodly behavior)
• Sharing → love of others and godly behavior
• Lying → fear of man, desire for approval (heart issue)
• Anger → entitlement, unmet expectations (heart issue)

• Threats (use fear to change)
• Manipulation
• Guilt trips
• Bribery
• Shaming

Five Questions from Paul Tripp: 1. What was going on? (situation) 2. What were you thinking and feeling as it happened? (heart/thoughts) 3. What did you do in response? (behavior) 4. Why did you do it? (motives) 5. What was the result? (consequences)

These questions help children connect their heart to their behavior and see their need for Christ.

4. How Do I Discipline My Children? (Ephesians 6:1-4)

Two lies children believe: autonomy ("I am my own boss") & self-sufficiency ("I can handle life on my own"). If they believe these lies, they will resist your authority.

• Rescue & restoration, not punishment
• Not an expression of irritation, anger, impatience, etc.
• Children need firm, loving authority and active discipline
• Discipline is an act of love

Love your children by disciplining them! (Proverbs 13:24, 19:18, 22:15, 23:13-14)

Hebrews 12:7-11 — "Endure suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline?…No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

5. How Do I Connect With My Children?

• Schedule regular one-on-one time with each child
• Enter their world (video games, sports, hobbies)
• Ask open-ended questions and listen
• Put away distractions (phones, work) when with them
• Physical affection appropriate to their age
• Create family traditions and memories

6. How Do I Handle My Own Sin As A Father?

• Model confession and repentance
• Ask your children for forgiveness when you fail
• Don't pretend to be perfect
• Let them see your dependence on Christ
• Talk openly about your own struggles (age-appropriate)
• Show them that the gospel is for fathers too

7. What Is The Goal Of Fatherhood?

The goal is not well-behaved children, successful children, or even happy children. The goal is to raise children who know, love, and follow Jesus.

• You are not responsible FOR your children, you are responsible TO them
• You plant and water; God gives the growth (1 Cor 3:6)
• Trust God with your children's hearts
• Your faithfulness matters more than your perfection
• The same grace that saves you, sustains your fatherhood